scarletfire

giving thanks

2008-12-05T21:41:00.005-07:00

while i've always been one of those people who aspire to the phrase "better late than never," i guess giving thanks over a week later is par for the course. some behaviors never change.

yes, i'm grateful and thankful that i have two beautiful daughters who are smart, healthy, energetic and never stop questioning/engaging the world....a daddyspark who has a ph.d. in domestic tasks- one which came without poking/prodding or a taser- yes, he does the laundry, empties the dishwasher and sweeps the wood floors. who knew a domestic goddess can lurk in male form.

other small aspects of my life that i am thankful for, which makes the unfolding of my days throughout the year worthwhile:

dale's pale ale- oh sweet cerveza which spills from the goddess, how would i have ever gotten through my teaching at night, knowing that i would come home to your beautiful red and blue embrace.

around the horn- thank you espn for making an enlightening sports show that can teach the best of us the most current sports news without having testosterone as a primary hormone in our system.

ipod nano- yes, i beat you up constantly when i hook you up to the car. i throw you next to the basket of keys without a wink. i suck your battery dry, forgetting that you too need some juice. but you keep me sane when i have a musical hankering for widespread panic, government mule, wilco, grateful dead or the occasional '80's flashback when i've just GOT to hear depeche mode's black celebration (yes, i admit it).

diamonds- no, not the jewel. my recreational soccer team of five years. thank you for showing me that the nine in the morning sunday soccer games is church. playing in the beautiful colorado outdoors for 90 minutes is like worshipping in the goddess' great cathedral.

loveland ski area- you've kicked my ass at skiing and though you have vertical drops called "slopes"which have made me eat my share of powder, i can't help but come back for more. (oh and your warm up huts double as a great place to watch the snowboarders hot box the place...very entertaining.)

flannel, fleece and wool clogs- get ready to start working for the next few months. i count on you to pull me through these frigid colorado winters...know that i'm grateful for you too and for keeping me warm as a write this. because without you, i couldn't keep my blog up and going....because damn, i'm thankful that i have a piece of internet space that can house my incessant ramblings of nothing.....

and that's something to be thankful for...better later than never.

reunited and it feels so good

2008-11-21T10:22:00.002-07:00

dear scarletfire's blog,

i know i've been gone and damn, i hope you weren't too lonely. i mean, it's not like i didn't have any news or drama to share....it's just well, time slipped away from me. i'm not going to make excuses for my disappearance, but i do want to say that much has happened. please take me back.

i promise to try to come see you more often. i'll even fill you in with details about my indentured servitude called my job or my escapades being a walking kleenex to my girls' noses. I'll even throw in the some thoughts on how it feels to be walked by my bloodhound gus.

i'll make it worth your while. see you again soon.

shawna

catch up scarlet style

2007-11-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

so the last time i posted the leaves were still on the trees, fleece hadn't made its way into the clothing rotation and holiday shopping was the last thing on my mind. while it's been some time since my fingers have hit the keyboard for personal ramblings, i often think about my little corner of internet space- how i'd like to capture the passing of time, even just for a brief moment.

october ended with a brief visit from my mom. bearing homemade halloween costumes and a hankering to tear up the neighborhood tavern (read, too many patron shots) ,we made the most of 5 nights and 4 days. and while halloween was a blur of candy and sugar meltdowns, the genie and pink lion made it all worth while.the first weekend of november took the scarlet family to victoria, british columbia. celebrating daddyspark's mom's 60th birthday, we took in an amazing city. visiting during remembrance day or the canadian version of veteran's day was quite an experience. no where have i heard the mentioning of peace in the same sentence as honoring veterans as i did in that country. it was refreshing to witness a celebration where everyone paid homage to the day. even if it meant wearing a red poppy.

victoria

view of victoria from our hotel room

and so that brings me to now. i'm trying to get back to normal after spending 5 days in las vegas attending to university business. while it was strange to be there for work, i did squeeze in some fun time. i met 2 original singers of the capris while swimming in the hotel pool and saw the grand opening red carpet affair at planet hollywood.

and that's catch up, scarlet style. until next time.

the illumination of leaves

2007-10-04T17:11:00.000-06:00

with each celestial breath, the maples wistfully depart with summer’s translucent passing. magenta, rust and goldenrod glide earthbound toward the depths of memory.

the illumination of leaves in their gentle departure, bare the branches of heart; and in letting go, the promise of a new season insulates the now quiescent spring. change brings ecstatic pain.

after spending the past month contemplating my life course, i wonder now how all has transpired…or where i may find myself to be next time, this season. i hope i will find solace in the choices i have made and that the path that i have chosen will widen with each step forward.

like the sun following its ritualistic path across the sky, i too trace how each day informs my being and becoming.

birthday presents

2007-10-03T05:15:00.000-06:00

while my birthday was officially last week, september certainly was a birthday month. i couldn't have asked for a better gift into my 35th year than what i received after my interview at the university.

i got the job.

so the past three weeks have been a whirlwind of becoming acclimated to the realities of assistant professorship. for me this has included inheriting a program we are beginning in las vegas. this entails offering courses in our department onsite in sin city. and though it seems simple enough to offer a master's class here and there at our sister site, the pragmatics of it are beyond complicated. oy.

and i'm also responsible for reconfiguring a certificate program that the department has offered, but has fallen by the wayside as of late. part of this task took me here:

and here....

and here......

yep, washington dc. for four days i had to meet with some heavy hitters and play financial hardball. this is not an easy game for me to play given that i have never represented a whole academic institution. but once the meetings concluded, i did do some sightseeing and was enthralled by the immense history this city has to offer. in essence, being there offered me the time to decompress over what i had experienced for the past 3 weeks and reflect on where i was going when i got back to denver. a much needed birthday present.

life is good and though i'm a bit frayed around the edges, needing quite a bit of more sleep everyday, i wouldn't change a thing professionally.

something old, something new, something blue, something who?

2007-09-05T17:09:00.000-06:00

something old:

i saw the subhumans in concert last monday and boy, did it take me back to the early 80's punk genre. not only did i come out of it with a bruise and a hangover (pabst blue ribbon on tap= big no-no), i realize that watching teenagers stagedive and mosh isn't my idea of fun. i do have to say it was the best show of the week and gives me hope that when i'm 50 years old, i hope i can still have the spunk and enthusiasm of the lead singer.

something new:

on saturday i saw wilco in concert. i love this band. haven't listened to their music all that much, but right now it has filled the cd player in my car and is running continuously. i could listen to shot in the arm/via chicago/spiders/heavy metal drummer over and over and over....i'm pretty happy that i got out of my widespread panic rut with this band. and although the fillmore was stuffy and smelled of bo the whole night, i came out of there renewed, energized and ready for more.

something blue:

on sunday i saw yonder mountain string band in concert. i have been with this what-used-to-be-local band since '99 or so. they're kick ass, hard driving bluegrass i love. but since getting bigger and now playing at red rocks, their sound has changed and has made me sad....yes, a bit blue over the fact that my little band has grown up and turned into adults. i guess it was inevitable that it happened, but just like having children, you're not ready for them to leave the house.

something who?

who? who me? you mean me? me getting a phone call from a local private university to interview for an ASSISTANT professor position? me, the freak who can't even pull a doctorate out of her ass is interviewing for a REAL professorship? nah....can't be.

i'm still looking over my shoulder to see who this is really happening to. i interviewed with 3 of the pu's (private university's....hehehe...actually it's quite an appropriate acronym given academe in general) faculty last wednesday and got through to the next and final step. this means meeting with the academic dean and vice president of the college. oh my word. dust off the suit and heels...it's show time.

this happens tomorrow. yes, tomorrow afternoon. and if the speed of my heart is any indication of stage fright, it's gonna be a rough few hours. thank god for my handy dandy xanax prescription to calm these tatters nerves cause i'm gonna need it.

yes, i want it. want it bad. to move to the next level in a tenure track position is what i was striving for...i just didn't expect the possibility of it happening this soon. so, for this evening i'm going to wish upon a star, toast it with a jagerbomb and wish to god i hit a homerun.

shifting transitions

2007-08-25T10:39:00.000-06:00

i'm not good with transitions. and though i own a car that is a stick shift...hey, i want to CONTROL my transitions into each gear as i climb the mountains....there is no such mechanism for life. don't hold on, it's all an automatic.

the oldest scarletspark has transitioned from being 7 years of age to beginning her 8th year on this planet. this occuring the first week of august, i'm still not used to the idea that she is becoming an adolescent. i see her grappling with what it means to be a girl...asking questions that clearly are meant to clarify her identity. we had a lengthy discussion on what it means to be a "fancy girl" which she strongly noted that i am not. this because, well, mom plays sports, wears pants and rarely paints her face or nails. who knew that being fancy took that much work?

......emma shoots her own self portrait.....

the youngest scarletspark has transitioned to first grade, becoming a full fledged school-aged child. i see her thriving amongst her peers already and though she is still the most petite of the group, she still insists on hanging with the boy posse. and while i caught her peeing like a boy the other day in the bathroom..."mom, i like peeing like that...it's fun to put the seat up"....she still wears dresses everyday. it's confusing to be 6, coming to understand social norms.

.....emma capturing her sister......

daddyspark has just transitioned from being a doctoral student to doctor. three months of writing his dissertation to completion has officially stripped away the "high school dropout" that he once was. a ph.d. six years in the making will do that.

and well, myself, i find that the lines that have etch-a-sketched themselves permanently into the corners of my eyes are reminders of my own transitions....to not hold on too tightly to this time right now....enjoy the last month of being 34....get your ass in gear to finish the ph.d....prepare for the new class, new students you will be teaching in a month....love every moment as it passes to the next.....and not forgetting to shift to fifth gear and let go.

who says you can't go home

2007-08-02T08:31:00.000-06:00

3 weeks to the day last month is how long the scarletsparks and i were on the road. 9 states, 3 extended stops, 1 broken wrist, 8 six packs of microbrews as co-pilots, 1 thule topper packed to the brim with 4 bags of seashells, 2 t shirts and 4 bottles of california wine. all equated to 1 amazing, bonding and unforgettable experience between mother and daughters.

the breakdown:

week 1: leave at 3am, drive through colorado, utah, arizona, nevada to the central coast of california....all in one day. 18 hours in the "jd", ie my 2007 subaru outback. thank goddess for monster drinks, dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds and the tunes of widespread panic on the ipod or we wouldn't have gotten to my parent's house in one piece.

while at grandma and grandpa's, we played in morro bay ,

hung out with grandma's chickens,

went to a family reunion in the bay area, that believe it or not had a goat in attendance. and last but not least before departing mid california, i broke my wrist in line skating with my oldest friend brandi. which ended me up in the ER and with this:

note to self: wear wrist guards and stop pretending you're 13 years old and invincible on blades.

week 2: drive up highway 101 in california through some of my favorite counties. we stopped in santa rosa to visit a much beloved watering hole,

then headed back up sonoma and mendocino counties to our destination, arcata. being back in humboldt county after living there for 6 years of my life and going to school at hsu was like returning home. seeing my old jaunts took me back to life pre-kid, when all i cared about was cashing in my student loan to sponsor my barhops and grateful dead tours while praying that i would pass my philosophy exams toward a ba.

while in humboldt i purchased all of the microbrews that instigated a so far 16 year love affair with IPA and small batch beer and visited the redwood forest,

week 3: get a speeding ticket while leaving california to enter into oregon. travel up highway 5 into portland then toward washington, ending up in the olympic peninsula. here we visited nana and grandpa scott. we went to the lavendar festival where we picked bushels of the fragrant herb to bring home and took a ride on grandpa's boat into the ocean,

we left washington on our first ferry ride where jd, the girls and i were loaded on a boat toward seattle.

in one day, we travelled through washington, oregon, idaho and into utah. stayed overnight in utah to find our way through wyoming, back down into the mile high city.

our trek was quite a venture of the spirit. travelling through towns, cities and countrysides of my youth truly has made me realize that the roads i have passed through before have provided an internal streetmap for who i am today. like roadsigns which navigate a forward course and destination, warning the driver of turns and steep grades, the stops i made in 3 weeks have reminded me that you can go home. and in doing so, are able to return again to one's abode with a clearer sense of self, a self found only through miles tread. ........in idaho, the view behind from jd.......

10 things i learned in chicago

2007-06-28T08:47:00.000-06:00

1. i have a new found affection for imbibing on ouzo. who knew that black licorice could be bottled in liquid form and slide down the throat with that much ease.

2. that the history, architecture and expansiveness of one city could make denver look like it was an ant colony.

3. that navy pier closely resembles disneyland's main street where it is unbelievable the amount of people that can be packed on to one strip of concrete.

4. to enter rush street means that you must have a median income of probably close to a million dollars. no where i have seen a rolls royce and two lamborghini's parked less than one block from each other.

5. where my presentation at the conference could go so well, that i've decided to redirect a dissertation that was seriously in cardiac arrest.

6. that billy goat's tavern could set the standard for all dive bars i enter into the future. when my elbows stick to the bar, grease from decades of burgers line the walls and house beer is on tap for a decent price, i knew i was in love.

7. an invigoration to learn how to ride a harley. 'nuff said, i think i've officially entered my midlife crisis at 34 beginning in the windy city.

8. that lake michigan is so expansive and windy, i feel like i'm back on the pacific coast. i wouldn't want to feel that wind in the winter. brrrrrrr.

9. cicadas are nasty, ugly, flying space aliens who lurk in trees and screech so loud it feels like fireworks going off in your head.

10. that i'm ready to take my next step professionally in terms of my research and i can't think of a better place to have had this knowledge illuminated.

thank you, chicago, for schooling me .

you are my sunshine

2007-06-16T09:30:00.000-06:00

on thursday, the family celebrated the birth of the youngest scarletspark. six years ago she made her entrance with vigor, which continues to this day.

over the years she has acquired an obsession with lions, disdain for chocolate milk, wearing only dresses, eating her earwax ( i know, ewwww), having boys as best friends, coveting motorcycles when she sees them, insists that she will own a truck someday...one that looks unusually like a trash truck...running naked in the backyard and playing mudmonster in the dirt. for all of this, she is our unique little sagesong and i can't imagine life without her.

i love you babygirl.

summertime rolls

2007-06-11T15:36:00.000-06:00

now that i have regained somewhat of my mind from this past quarter's teaching "experience," i.e. grading 80 papers, i'm almost ready to start my summer. yes, almost. i have one more paper to write. a long overdue independent study, a holdover from last year's spring. my last hurdle of coursework toward the ph.d. once completed i can officially hold the title of ABD....all but dissertation....or.....all but done essentially. oh, did i mention this needs to be done by thursday at 10pm...um, yeah, details, details.

while trying to sort out that last itty-bitty challenge toward the doctorate, i also still need to write a paper and presentation for a conference i'm attending/presenting in chicago in a mere 10 days. yikes! why did i sign up for this madness? if only i could write on the joys of drinking one of these:

.........mmmmm dale's...........

or one of these:

..........mmm mojitos............

then i'd be set. no mental exertion in that. or too bad i can't do an interpretive dance after drinking one of the aformentioned for my collegues and call it a "presentation." ( and yes, grading and students have driven me to drink....).

but when i'm not drinking my post traumatic classroom stress away, i've been disc golfing with the scarletsparks. it's slowly but surely replacing my skiing detox diet and has reinvigorated the hippie in me....(she always is lurking, laying dormant until a good shakedown street gets cranked on the ipod or the occasional nag champa incense gets lit). there's nothing like throwing the discs around....."it brought peace to my mind in the summertime... and it rolled...."

.....scarletsparks disc golfing on a boulder course......

may days

2007-05-28T16:08:00.000-06:00

as the days have grown longer and the sun's presence suspends itself further into the night, i'm antsy to get outside and play. yesterday this meant going to arapahoe ski basin for a microbrew beer festival. drinking good beer, watching spring skiing and grooving to some reggae was a nice segue into summer.

......geneva creek......

today the scarletsparks and i went hiking in a hidden area off of guanella pass.

.........playing...........

.......pike national forest......

..............scarletsparks.................

this area never ceases to amaze me with its beauty. the roaring geneva creek as a backdrop to the aspens is enough to make me feel grateful to call colorado home.

.............scarletsparks as photographer

and happy this is home..................

the fridge

2007-05-07T14:25:00.000-06:00

the great baptism into parenthood is not the act of birth itself…however this, along with a parent’s first supermarket tantrum/meltdown whereby one must abandon brimming cart at the farther most depths of the dairy aisle with child in tow is a close second…..is when the icebox door transforms into the canvas of childhood picassos and matisses.

and though i admire the heart, soul, sweat and tears that both scarletsparks pour into their creations, there comes a time in every mother’s reality where you have to make a choice.

there is no possible way we can keep all of their works of art. from the tempera jackson pollocks crafted at school to skillfully ripped out my little pony coloring book pages, i must decide which ones will stay and which ones will go.

these moments tap into one of the most difficult aspects of being a mother. everytime i have to make a choice between the recycling container and the rubbermaid which holds the items that have made the “cut”, it’s as if i’m letting go of a piece of their childhood. a piece i will never get back.

and i know if the girls were a part of the decision making process that ALL pieces would find their final resting place in the rubbermaid or that the frigidaire would be plastered so thick that the handle couldn’t be found. art versus pragmatics.

for the moment i must revel in the fact that the first of the bimonthly cuts have been made. still with pain….because after doing this for almost 7 years, it doesn’t get any easier…but with more room. a new canvas for inspiration.

thirst

2007-04-27T19:35:00.000-06:00

at the edge of the oak shelf, high above the tiny kitchen five straw baskets perched. like sentinels they sat untouched by daily rituals. one drew my attention. peaking out, winking, beckoning was a yellow tinged paper tightly clutched by the jaws of one dusty sand colored lid. my curiosity mounted. what could be inside?

i straddled the counter, grasping the cupboards for guidance. with braille like accuracy i read the landscape and reached the shelf.

with trepidation i opened the lid.

september 19, 1996. eureka tribune. newsprint meant to shield the belonging inside.
had it been that long?

surrounded by darkened words

the ivory teacup had been cradled for eleven years.

no lips had touched its rim. no fingers to caress the delicate handle. its utility hidden.

and now as it sits perched on the kitchen’s granite counter, it becomes a reminder of that which was once thought to have been lost, can be found.

and as each time it becomes filled, will quench a thirst eleven years in the making.

........inspired by current domestic events......

futbol vegas style

2007-04-23T16:23:00.000-06:00

phew. this month has rolled by so quickly that i can barely comprehend that it's 23 days in...such is spring and times for blooming.

vegas. i spent last weekend in sin city with women i have been playing recreational soccer with for 5 years. four soccer games in 1.5 days. yowser. i can still feel my hamstrings crying at me.

.....the pink ladies in vegas before game 3.....

i had a blast. playing soccer, drinking good beer, hanging out in the monte carlo hot tub and seeing this amazing show:

it can't get any better than this when it comes to a vacation.

now back to reality..week 5 of teaching a 10 week class, research and writing. thank goddess i can still hear the beatles proclaiming that all i need is love.

(off)spring

2007-03-31T09:13:00.000-06:00

that’s me, my mama and the scarletsparks. all the female offspring on my side of the family twig. and what better time for grandma to come visit from the golden state than near the vernal equinox. every daughter deserves a hug from their mama to begin a new season.

and while mama and i are more like sisters when we’re in each other’s presence- note: having a daughter while you are still very much a child yourself will yield two girls literally growing up together. for this i am grateful and wouldn’t change a thing.

so while she was here for three days, we engaged our sisterhood. shopping for anything that has chickens on it (don’t ask me where our obsession with chickens started, it’s just always been there), smoking way too much, drinking coffee from 8-4 then switching to her favorite barleypop. all the while making up for the two state distance and four month gap that has kept us apart.

i miss you mama.

rain

2007-03-25T17:58:00.000-06:00

it is not by circumstance that it rained the other night. in each drop was not only the promise of a new season, but reminders of how memories nudge our blooming/becoming. each tip, tap, tip, tap urges us to reawaken from our winter slumbers and to sprout anew, to an internal landscape harvested from the past.

rain has always simultaneously felt both melancholy and renewing to me and I guess this weekend's drops were no different.

winter quarter grading is done. dropping numerous less than desirable final grades on master’s students is painful. especially given that i will see them again for round two of this class. it’s one thing to give grades to students, knowing that you may never see them again, it’s another, when you’re going to face them in seven days; makes for an interesting first day back. thank goddess for kaladi and it singlehandedly caffeinating courage next week.

also along the lines of academe, my first double blind peer reviewed paper got accepted for presentation at a conference that i highly regard this week. and although my true mo behind doing it was for the free trip to chicago, it will officially mark my formal entrance into stuffy suits, too tight heels and uncontrollable academic preening/posturing....the ivory tower awaits.

imagination

2007-03-19T18:19:00.000-06:00

sometimes it takes seeing through the eyes of a child to bring a little imagination back to an adult’s tainted and/or callused perception of the world.

so when the leprechaun came to visit on saturday, leaving his/her footprints on our woodfloors-spreading irish cheer (albeit hats, bubbles, beads and chocolates), the wide-eyed early morning discovery of this intruder’s belongings in the eyes of the little scarletsparks was nothing short of exhilarating to me. to be able to stand in wonderment at the possibility of an invisible creature descending upon their humble abode stirred a sense of loss/joy inside. how is it possible that we as adults lose this sense of childhood amazement/adoration in small wonders?

our visitor's imprints

grading.....i mean using my imagination

imagination then is something i have tried to cultivate today as i have poured over the pile of winter quarter grading. can i sense some green footprints in the writings of my students? do each have a unique print that i can pull from their words? this has been the task and no easy challenge. 34 years of calluses are hard to slough.

as bruce hornsby in shadow hand so eloquently says:

so nice to pretend
think i'll do it again

no cards to send, no torn heart to mend

a little imagination and then

a world of fantasy with my friends

such is my world. imagination and all on this mid march day.

meditation

2007-03-15T09:50:00.000-06:00

(almost) every wednesday for the past three months i have meditated on ice, snow, powder and slush.

i have renewed my interest in the slopes and skiing.

and while i can’t say that i am able to find a centeredness a la buddha in his lotus pose, i have found that in descending down a fall has cultivated my ability to let go. the mountain has taught me so much about not holding back- that the joy of carving snow on ski edges is the moment where fear and gravity coalesce and your mind/body have no other option but to follow.

now to find this ability in the day to day parenting, partnering, teaching, grading and breathing is the challenge.

hibernation

2007-03-13T14:30:00.000-06:00

and as the snow melts, replenishing the earth here in denver, the sun’s rays seem to be renewing much inside and around me. it’s moments when i capture a glimpse of my mint plants beginning to emerge from soiled sleep or the christmas rose who has wakened her pinkish blossoms in march, where i become aware of my own personal wintered sleep.

this sleep has hidden my mind away from descending upon a dissertation that is still deeply covered by soil…actually quite in seedling form, i have come to realize that with due time, it too will become a christmas rose. i also understand that my lifecourse in teaching is just beginning, also striving for springtime sun. it will flourish with the seasons. and although this past quarter has had its blizzard moments, it has only made my roots stronger.

i have also understood too, how the love in my life has taken flight toward warmth. i have shut my eyes in snow capped slumber to its knocking, denying that i can hear the echoes of a heart’s renewal. only until recent have i answered; peeling back the calloused blankets of hurt and loss.

hibernation has ended.

fearlessness

2007-03-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

from shambhala: the sacred path of the warrior, by chogyam trungpa:
"going beyond fear begins when we examine our fear: our anxiety, nervousness, concern, and restlessness. if we look into our fear, if we look beneath its veneer, the first thing we find is sadness…when we slow down, when we relax with our fear, we find sadness, which is calm and gentle. sadness hits you in the heart, and your body produces a tear. before you cry there is a feeling in your chest and then, after that you produce tears in your eyes. you are about to produce rain or a waterfall in your eyes and you feel sad and lonely...that is the first tip of fearlessness, and the first sign of real warriorship. in the shambhala tradition, discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart."

i now understand the nature of sadness and tears when delving toward the essence of hurt. they have guided me fluidly toward my fears, leading me to realize that there is true fearlessness in exposing them with others. i know now that i shouldn’t be alarmed at the abundance of crying when faced with change, but to be joyous in this knowledge; i possess the dexterity in which my heart can be softened and stilled.

understanding this cultivates in me peace and a realization that love/understanding/fearlessness can rise phoenix-like from ashes.

dandelions

2007-03-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

i had a dream three nights ago. one which i found startling only after i awoke … i saw myself engaging my awareness to a small patch of earth, a garden which was in desperate need of attention. overgrown with weeds, dandelions and crab grass, i was instantaneously drawn to the sprouts of new growth. were they sunflowers? baby’s breath? petunias? all flowers which make my heart sing. at the same time i was overcome by the expanse of dirt which was in desperate need of tilling and attention. nothing can grow without this garden’s cultivation, weeds or flowers. it was overwhelming and renewing at the same time. in this moment i awoke to the life that awaited me for the day….

i find myself in a fluid state. if i glide along as if being swept by the elements whether wind or water, i won’t stick too long to objects to make sense of how long i’ve been there. for now i soar knowing that I’ve decided to conclude this ph.d., to follow through with that i started two years ago. to be unrightfully called “dr.” by my students seems like an insult to the path which i’ve trotted upon, but at the same time i find a sense of purpose in teaching young souls the helping profession which I call my own. i am also reminded of the untilled pain of my grandmother’s passing just three years ago. one i still find too painful to cultivate and grow anew. i am also reminded of whether life is truly too short to constantly question the reason for….the reason for….why… and just do. is it people? is it place? were some seeds sewn that never had a chance to come to fruition? acknowledging for once to simply be-come what feels right and stop.. just stop, obstructing what has always been there, and transcend the choices i've made, before the elements take me further into seasons without my knowing.

i also question what it is that instigates my words to grow, setting my inner flowers abloom, while knowing there is so much more to till.

one thing is certain, i have felt only once in my life a sense of static, a sense of where the fluidity seemed to melt away and open up. where the whys and hows didn't seem to matter and doing was the easiest sense of being. but again, as always there is still so much more to express..